My 10 Hats

Hat #1:Grandson 

The first hat I wear is a grandson's. They respect me every day. Even though one will become a ghost, I know that while there was not a similar personality, there was love and loyalty. I just hope his shadow ends in the Everlasting Arms. Although that question is unanswered, the one answer I will give is that he will not be hearing Marley’s chain. There was so much you could take from this man, and I did learn it, but the lessons were never understood. Seeing him sick made me hit rock bottom, but I took control to be happy by attempting to see what I do have. What I do have are three healthy grandparents. Two of the three grandparents showed that love is not blood but unbreakable bonds that make you feel fulfilled. I have carried this because a dramatic change that I made is that some of my blood is from the friends that gave me safety, which is a request that I have been wanting for 15 years. In retrospect, they were the friends I had in childhood. To one of the grandparents, I am sorry that, as a child, I was selfish and could not see past the unfair family dynamics.

Hat #2:Defender 

The second hat is a defender because I was raised to believe that if your necessities in life are kicked to the curb, you defend the castle. It is a lamentable conception to mess with my family because there will be hell to pay. That’s not the way I like to defend; my way of defending is to give them a 50’s diner environment. The family and friends I know are dealing with demons, and I see it as a responsibility to give them an atmosphere where the demons melt. This could possibly be because it has been said that I have an “old soul.” I agree, but I do believe there’s a modern twist. The difference is that in 2023, we will see some people out there. When you are out there, you are a target for judgment by humanity. I go against humanity on that; as a matter of fact, it is more embraced since gravity leads me to those characters. I wish people saw that these characters have to make more sacrifices than most men and women. The best part about them is that they know how to “light up.” What I’ve noticed is that the people who do not defend the characters are people in a small town. Where I do live, it has many pros, such as building a community around here, but one of the cons of a small town is that stigmas exist. You come to a small town, and you will get tested and have a reputation the moment your car drives a mile in the town. I knew that joining that group would also come with consequences, but I’d rather be happy and dance with goths than sad and dance with a beach bombshell. Plus, beach bombshells gave me cancer, but goths were my advocates, and they gave me the chemo. Trust me, I’m telling you the truth about this because I’ve seen it firsthand. Goths have gone to battle when they knew the tornado would have killed them, and I’ve seen bombshells throw eggs at their friends. We do have to realize, though, that not all bombshells are bad. I have two bombshells that I know could share chicken with me right now.

Hat #3:Mystery Man 

Hat #3 is a mystery man because people have stated that I am unpredictable and no one knows what will come out of my mouth or what I will do. I agree, but people need to understand that being a mystery man is what I only know. The mystery in your head makes sense in my head. However, I can tell you that my mystery mist will not be a fist. I had many fingers pointed at me for being mysterious, but after seeing that I was not required to please them, there was no more blood. I see the fingers but no longer feel them. Mystery men or women need to be listened to because the outcast might be the one with the knowledge, but why share when mystery men and women are pressured to like black clothes or LGBTQ bars? We also get caught in crossfires. When two bombshells are angry, they like to pick up scraps of meat by bullying someone who is out of the ordinary. I do not see a good reason to act on that wish because it is not your business. It is not cool to make a mysterious person more devastated about who they are. We are already scared to be in public. Why add more fear? Sometimes mystery men or women have things in their minds that lead them to be in the mystery group. There are also experiences that turn people into mystery groups. Take me, for instance. Even with autism, I was not born in the group, but then I started getting stabbed back with the pencils. I look like the dumbest man alive. I get called dumb as f, and all people hear from you is the sound of silence. What else are you supposed to do when there is no penance? No one gave me my zone, and I snapped, so to receive power that would not corrupt me, I made my zone and became unstoppable.

Hat #4:History Maker

The next hat I have is a history maker because, as I stated earlier, “No one gave me my zone, and I snapped.” I was simply sick of feeling worthless. I wanted to get out of the locker, but I was scared to due to this new change in life, but I am glad I did because it led to greater opportunities. For example, I have more friends that make me happier than a clown. I had a choice: the nail or the hammer. The hammer allowed me to go to Orlando three times and to Canada twice. If that does not show that the hammer was the best decision, I don’t know what does. I am making my own history by showing up, being the best version I can be, and leaving my mark with a wink. I do hope that these dates can go in my autobiography if one is ever made about the life of Sam Mitchell from Owensburg, Indiana. I like the fact that ZZ Top has put me under pressure. This pressure to take your name is better than the pressure of just trying to exist. Existing is great, but that is not enough, and from a personal standpoint, that should not be enough for anyone. Going to be a mechanic is awesome, but why not try to invent a car? That is what I’d be doing if I were in the car mechanical field.

Hat #5:Helping Hand 

The next thing I have to do is help those who need me. Have you ever faced parents ridiculing you because you do not follow societal norms to a point? I know someone like that, and it is my duty to show that what they do is fine with me at least. It is not optional, but mandatory for me. What you see on the outside may not be what you see on the inside. This person could have a great home life and make good grades, but inside they are scared and are trying to find the treasure on the map. I’ve seen it in the biggest names where they are blowing the roof off, but once exiting, they go to the back and pass out drunk due to the fear of dealing with society. That’s where I come in, though, to show that there is no need for alcohol to feel fantastic. I understand that is hard since I cannot let go of my anger against the people who handled me by choking my air out. I also relate since when you get used to a feeling or a habit, it is the only way that makes you better and less resentful. In some cases, they erupt with too much pleasure while not changing their minds. Some cases even include where they have the most joy but still feel broke. A million dollars cannot buy you satisfaction. Emotions are stronger than our minds because they need someone who actually shows them with actions instead of words. The reason why is that we are having a tough time believing the argument without evidence since we are used to getting kicked below the belt. That’s why I am always hesitant about making friends, no matter if there is no cynical intention. Sometimes I am so scared that I wish no one was here and I could go back to the depressed state that could lead me into an asylum. I know it is not better because there would not be a podcast, but at that stage, I did not have to deal with stress if this person was deadweight. For those who were deadweight, I would never want to take your life, but I do want you to feel what I felt. I need you to feel powerless, like you have nothing left to lose. What breaks my own heart is that I still have the feeling that I have nothing left to lose. It makes me think that I have not earned a 10-gun salute at my own funeral. You don’t even feel human. You may also feel that you are stupefying yourself and afraid of every word that comes out of someone else's mouth. You always ask if I did something wrong. How would you feel about deadweighters? Part of it, though, is belief. I was in a current events class where the majority of the class was Republicans and maybe 2 (not including myself) were Democrats, which I have no problem with, but they got to freely express themselves and got a response, but when I did, I received no replies. It led me to be indirect since my scars could not speak, but then my war became a tool. My scars may not speak during the day, but they do at night in private, and I need to show people that their scars can speak whenever. That’s something I've learned as my life continues. However, the scars speak in their own ways. Darkness starts at a certain time, but for those with mental health issues, our darkness can start at any time, but we need that tool. It is a helping hand. We do this since the people we tried failed us. I’ll even say that I’m certain that I failed at being a helping hand at points. I know I fail each time I see a person who is homeless and I did nothing for him. I know I failed after seeing someone at a hotel, and I did not go down to give him my deli sandwich. Most of the time, I feel indestructible, but that night I felt destructible. Even though I failed that time, I passed the test when I chose to carry a red and blue flag along with a blue and green flag on each shoulder. Veterans have an oath to defend a country. Well, I took an oath to defend humanity and kindness by lending a helping hand. I have so many bullet holes that you could not connect the dots, but no matter how many bullets I have, I’m still going to follow my oath. Plus, another bullet gives me the next story I can tell. I am so thankful I took that oath, but at 15 years old, I was close to taking an oath to alcohol. I didn't do it because I wanted to change my personality. I considered it so I could sleep through the misery if I drowned in my vomit. So be it!

Hat #6:Own Person 

The sixth hat is a person who does not do what everyone else does. I’m not going to drink Tide Pods because on TikTok, you're seen as a star. I admire people who do the same. It is an attractive feature I see no matter the gender, but I still do what in society makes sense, such as get an education and make money. Doing what everyone else is doing is overrated. I’d rather be the underdog from the underground since passion is usually down at the bottom. Sure, you have to work harder, but with hard work comes a story. I am my own person by not using LSD to dream, and unlike LSD, what I see comes to life. I’d love to have a sorority girl, but why even chase one when the majority are just plain snobs? The sixth hat constantly reminds me of my previous sentence, and I would not want it any other way. I do not need to travel a million miles an hour with substances when I can drive 30 mph in a man cave. I know I would not do well with substances since I still feel as if I’m taking a dive in the man cave. The sixth hat reminds me that I have my own story. I do not know anyone else who felt so shy for 15 years (if longer and sharing, I applaud you) and took the one chance while throwing up due to the passion I had for change. Nowadays, I’m not puking, but I am living as me by taking my as Nickelback says, “happy and grateful.” This sixth hat comes with a price, and that price is scary to make a decision about. Decisions are the worst since I have to think long and hard but then feel like garbage after making them because one person will be disappointed. In this situation, I can live with the anger but not disappointment in the decision, but the gift is even in the trash can. I do not regret it. My own person sometimes sees being locked up in a cage as good. I’m not talking about the bars that prisoners are held behind. I’m referring to the door that allows access to the smells and sights of the place you call home. I’m thankful to have that cage, but it could be better with Lois Lane. My sixth hat makes me scared when someone says my name. That’s Sam. It’s Sam. What do you mean? Why did you say my name? The mystery of what someone said about my name terrifies my anxiety. This hat is one that makes me more comfortable behind a screen but is not safe. The other way makes me feel safe but afraid to say one word. When I do not hide in my disguise people run. When they run, I wish I could give the boot to myself and not them. That’s the Hyde side my hat gives me, but my Hyde hat gives me love, but the love is sometimes incorrect. Are you only allowed to hug your family and closest friends? Why not hug everyone to show that they are safe? It makes no sense. My sixth hat makes me not like pouring down rain, both literally and metaphorically. I hate rain literally because it looks depressing, which just makes the depression great (that was sarcasm), and I hate it metaphorically because my limitations make raindrops flood the roads if the rain does not stop. Just like the rain touching my skin, 200 raindrops are torture. It does make me bitter. What else makes me bitter through this is the social games played by people or acquaintances. I’m not wired that way. You are in or out. It is cruel and unfair to punish someone when they did nothing wrong, but how else can I handle people who are truly not there for you? On top of that, why have them when you can’t be your worst? As Citizen Soldier stated, “I wish I could have a mental breakdown without turning my life into a ghost town.” I'll tell you that my sixth hat does not like people coming in and leaving. When you leave, you do not become my enemy, but I don’t want you an inch from me, or you do become the enemy. When you enter that dangerous territory, you will get mountain-climbing. This does not mean I will kick you, but I will make you uncomfortable and sweat. No one will be dancing now. Then, when it’s done, I’ll be on the mountain, drinking a pina colada.

Hat #7:Supportive

Hat #7 is supportive. My family brought this on me since both sides encouraged me to do something interesting. People compare themselves to celebrities like Morgan Wallen, Taylor Swift, and Lady Gaga, but no one should be looking at what they are doing, yet people do. That’s where I come in to show that what you are doing is something that Morgan Wallen could not do. I am the pill for comparison. Another reason why I am supportive is that everyone feels a twist of lime when I am around cheerleading themselves because they get to feel like the big shot. You see some cheerleaders whose love is fake. The smile they are putting on hurts them since it is all a show. It is not only for cheerleaders; we see that in people too. That’s not me! You see people who pretend to be polite. That’s not me! I actually care about what you are doing, even if it’s not my cup of tea. I support myself instead of giving liquor but attention.

Hat #8:WWE Fan 

The next hat I wear is for a WWE fan. This is a hat I’ve worn since I was 6 years old. I wear this hat because of the atmosphere. Each time Jey Uso comes out and people are beating hands, it is the most fun place to be. Unless you're The Grinch, you wouldn't want to be in that environment. Sometimes it’s only me at home doing it, but it still feels like I’m in Gainsbridge Fieldhouse. Plus, hat #8 wants movement. At this event, they want you to cheer and boo or even sing a wrestling theme song. You even see moments that only WWE can give you. You're not going to see football players tackle each other through a table that’s on fire. This is odd, but the blood running down Mick Foley’s back is my sunshine. As a WWE fan, Hat #8 even produces some of the best music that can make a person feel at peace. You see that yes, while mortal, the company trickles you into the illusion that the WWE wrestlers are immortal. The characters I relate to are the ones who are complete psychopaths because there have been times in my personal life that I turned a 180 and went psycho out of despair. This was at a time when I thought letting the cat out of the bag was the correct response when you get it off, since I know I have been down since day one. I know that once I saw that, I gained back my smile. My hat #8 actually makes me feel brave. Every time I go to do commentary, I taunt the heels. I do this because I can do something that I wish I had the confidence to do now. “So I’m a stalker” is something I now have the will to say. If there were no drama, I’d say it.

Hat #9:Secluded Man 

Hat #9 is one that I do not relish doing jumping jacks over, but it requires to be kenned. Hat #9 is a secluded man because of all the bullies. When you know people are just speaking to you for tolerance, it makes you feel mentally screwed up. It is in human nature that, when we are uncomfortable, we run. We become hard to find because, even though being alone comes with solitariness, it also comes with safety. That’s what everyone wants: safety or happiness. No one should have to pick between the two. As happy as I am to shake someone’s hand, there is an undisclosed terror that makes me want to hide in a cave. Master Oogway did that, but it was for kung fu reasons. When he came out of the cave, you could tell he was at peace with himself. Maybe we should all have our own caves. I know I have my own because the four things that make me jubilant are podcasting, WWE wrestling, rock and roll music, and buffalo wings. That is my cave, and it is secluded from the public. When choosing to change by appearing in the lights, it did not come with all daisies. I had to sacrifice the seclusion that made me feel warm in the corner. I miss it because I am remotely hypochondriac. When I was away, I had nothing to do, but now I have plenty. I can’t stand the sickness, which is why I am not 100% at all. That is a case where I can’t seclude myself. Hat #9 is a hat I wear, so I do not have to sanction people to jam things down my throat. Hey, look at this! Look at this! Look at this! Did you hear about this? Holy cow, that’s too much information to process, yet people still do it. Heed the warning you do that you meet a superbeast. This superbeast is not filled with anger but vengeance. Hat #9 also makes people not meet the creeper. One of the big misconceptions about autism traits I get all the time is that I stare. It drives me nuts, and why should it not be when you get accused of it 20 thousand times but are not doing anything erroneous? If I am secluded, I can look at a wall that may not talk but won’t make false accusations. When you do that, I believe you deserve to face your judgment day. This makes me, as Rob Zombie said, “defend the good and fight against the evil" when it stings. Hat Nine might be seen as hurtful, but I am and always will be.

Hat #10:Good Friend 

Hat #10 is a good friend. I say good friend because I cannot see the people who took me in when no one else did. For awhile, I had two people who I’d go into the trenches with, and hat #9 makes me want it, but hat #10 makes me not want it more. I can’t go back to my room, where I felt nauseated most days. Hat 10 shows that there are some people who need me. They need me since, like me, being ridiculed not only breaks my heart but also pisses me off. It is one thing to do it to me, but to someone else who might be a better person than me. What the hell? What did they do to deserve it? I see it as my job to come in and give them freedom that this world cannot give them. I even had an example where one person that I still keep in touch with said that she wished that she could have the gift of not caring what others think. Even though you might betray me, I still respect you for the times that I had with you. If you see the music videos where they have all the riches, I can officially say I have them. I could not say that for the longest time because when I had them, I still gave them respect and was a good friend, but I was looking over my shoulder. I no longer have that feeling, but it is one I am not used to. I still look to see if Seth Rollins or Sami Zayn will hit me in the back with a steel chair. I am living proof that you can love Hannibal Lecter. The ones who have left the island I thought it was me leaving you, but knowing that you are leaving me, I no longer have to take slaps in the face. The fact that I try to be a bigger person makes me a good friend. Case in point: I had two of my closest friends break up and hate each other. Do you know who I left behind? Neither of them I question why I wear Hat #10 when most people give me garbage. The answer is yes, but those people did give me the privilege to be associated with them. When I say one word, the association stops. Our spirits are in the air. We may not live with each other, but with one call, we are there. As Phil Collins stated, “I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life.” I do have good friends because they looked out for me when I did not know what to do. I had one friend tell a police officer that this stalker label is not him. I do hear that person because there are bad apples who like to see people as toys. I do like to make good friends, but I hate making them in places that you do not know. The worst place is bars since there is alcohol involved, and you cannot tell if a person wants to get to know you more or if they are playing a deception game. It is possible that they're only wanting because the alcohol made them friendly, and if they’d care about you when sober and alert, Figuring out which one of the three options is straining The next day, you may not be here, or they may not know your name. That is too big of a risk. It is too big of a jungle that I cannot enter. This jungle might even be bigger than the Amazon. Hat #10 also hurts when someone goes their separate ways. It hurts when it’s them, but Hat #10 makes me break when it is a life factor. I’ve had to mourn two friends leaving my treehouse because we were too far away. However, I am so thankful for what I do have. You’ve heard the saying, “One person can change a person's life.” Except while my two friends had a part in changing my life, they were not enough to make the fire ignite, but now that we have two and more than 10, my fire has ignited and will be the Ghost Rider and ride in the sunset.